Corwyn's World

Call it all just a case of reactionary, alarmist behavior at its finest.

Me? I think the world could use a whole lot more of just chilling the fuck out.

In my day-to-day I have to deal with a lot of alarmist stuff. People FLIPPING out over shit that, really, matters only to a small group of people and, if taken out over a large enough scale and scope, really doesn’t fucking mean that much at all. Which proves annoying at best.

Seriously…I’m not kidding. I am surrounded by folks who can go from calm to defcon 1 in the blink of an eye. It’s not just making mountains out of molehills, it’s making Everest from a bump.

This is not just unique to me, of course. Think, Sarbanes Oxley. Think, TSA regulations. Think no-texting laws. All things that are started in response to an incident in order to ENSURE that those things NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

I’m not sure of the exact source. Whether or not our lives have become so comfortable and routine that, per Heath Ledger’s monologue in The Dark Knight, anything doesn’t go according to plan and people flip out. Or we’re just pussies.

Case in point: someone’s trash doesn’t get picked up at an apartment complex. And it’s cause for a World War Three level meltdown. Really? Really?! I mean, yes, I understand the smell of garbage can be unpleasant. But why the bitch-fit people? Are we really all so spoiled and complacent that the slightest bit of annoyance sends us over the edge? That’s hinting toward a pandemic of Borderline Personality Disorder.

The funniest part is, insomuch as the world acts as a mirror, I catch myself doing this shit all the time. Well, maybe not all the time, but I have seen myself doing it. Something goes wrong. Something unexpected and STUPENDOUSLY inconvenient and stressing, but in the long run, not that big a deal. And while I may not flip, I become very focused on figuring out–and committed and resolute–how to make sure it never happens again.

And therein lay the tragedy–we become so rigid, we can’t enjoy life. Life doesn’t follow a pattern. Life doesn’t conform to (m)any rules. To harden oneself against the trials also means that you are hardened to its joy. We check out from experiencing life because we don’t want to take what we label the bad with what we label the good, when really, there is no difference. Fundamentally there is no good or bad. Fundamentally there is no life or death. Form is emptiness and emptiness is form.

But in all this there a heaping does of irony. Because the alarmist tendencies are there and illuminate wonderfully The Moment. because that’s all it is, a reaction. And most of the time, for most people, those resolutions fall by the wayside as the shackles of habit are donned once again, which is a wonderful way of proving through behavior that the shit you’re freaking out about today won’t mean that much tomorrow, which means it really doesn’t mean that much today anyway. I think irony exists in the world and situations as a way of–if we recognize it–telling us that the shit really ain’t that big a deal.

Like I said, I think the world could use a whole lot more of just chilling the fuck out.

Most of the time.

Because the only things that matter are what we choose to MAKE matter. That’s all.

Until next time, True Believers, leave some comments. Let me know what YOU think.

“Word.”
~ 1 Corwynthians 16:23

Or… How Social Media Enables a New Era of Sleazy Street Preacher

I tweeted something the other day that read as follows:

RE: all this Guru 2.0 #snakeoil: you can totally live your passion if your passion is selling others the idea they can live their passion

This video here pretty much sums it up.

Because frankly, I’m done.

Because the world doesn’t operate like these people want you to believe that it does. The world operates on a fairly simple formula, value for value. In every exchange, someone is giving up something in order to gain something else. That’s how it works. That’s how every relationship works. That’s how the world works. It’s Karma. Action/reaction. Give/get. These individuals believe that they have THE KEY to freedom. What they are selling is, essentially, “Get more for less!” Which can only work for so long before it becomes unsustainable and begins wearing on The System. [see The Douchepoint]

They’re selling you escapism. Yes, Tim Ferriss can live this fun life and do all these things. But don’t think for a second he’s not working.

I would wager MOST people don’t want to travel as much as these putzes. For the folks that do, these Gurus of choice offer a view into the alternatives; because, as Seth Godin rightly and accurately points out, we’ve been bred for centuries to be children of The System. We are raised—particularly in the middle class—that there is one path, one way to get from point A to point B. Happiness has come as table scraps from the dozens of Massahs that we’re taught to serve. I applaud the men for breaking that mold. But they’re still slaves . The value they get out of life is equivalent to the value they’re putting in. Yes, they may have found a way to alter the particulars.

Freedom, Bondage, Hell, and Paradise are ALL states of mind. They are based on perception. Where are the folks who are trying to get you to view your job and currently life in a positive way rather than selling you bullshit about “freedom.” As Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche’s entire book, “The Myth Of Freedom” talks about, there is no REAL freedom. This illusory paradise to which we are all in thrall and bondage, constantly seeking that mystical, ethereal “other” which doesn’t exist, is just another carrot dangled in front of us. Just another idol we place upon a pedestal and grant our power and upon which we hand over the keys to our happiness. It’s this subset of individuals and charlatans who capitalize on the human yearning of “If Only.” And hey, fools and their money are soon parted, so good for them. Doesn’t make them any less annoying, though.

Social Media, particularly is languishing with this stigma right now. The principles of marketing and advertising HAVE NOT CHANGED. This is not a revolution. This is not a “game-changer” . Well, it is in that it now makes such originally superficial means of inflating perceived value (i.e., advertising and marketing dollars) less crucial, which means it’s further reinforcing and bringing us closer to a pure Value For Value equilibrium.

As I posit in The Douche Point, every system—every relationship between inputs and outputs—has a natural equilibrium, a point at which everything is balanced and operating at optimum efficiency to the satisfaction of all beings and resources involved. Artificial constraints and demands placed upon the system will shift the point, into either overload or boredom—both being inefficient. What these individuals, so-called gurus are hocking is basically, “Rip off the system because you’ve been ripped off for so long” They cry Justice. They cry Freedom. But either getting exploited or exploiting something else is still exploitation, regardless of who benefits.

Plus, not everyone wants to travel the fucking world. Some of us just want to eb fairly compensated, and rewarded with work that interests us and engages us fully, led by people who aren’t lying, skeevy, selfish cockrags who DO appreciate us, with a couple times a year to go on vacation, and feel appreciated. That’s it. Not everyone wants to travel the fucking world. So stop acting like you’re the goddamn messiah because you can.

Seriously.

And if you’re curious, here are a couple links:

• Penelope Trunk and Why She Hates Tim Ferriss
• Ryan Holiday on Entitlement

Until next time, True Believers!

“Word.”
~ 1 Corwynthians 16:23

Here’s a taste of how neurotic I am…

So I have a date with this girl. I should probably qualify that she is probably deserved of a better moniker than “this girl”, but we’ll work on nicknames later. The point is, I have this date. It’s our 3rd date. Which, for those playing along at home, is the first time in a while I’ve had a 3rd date with anyone. Now, for those of you who don’t know or refuse to believe–I’m specifically talking to the women here–AND the men who are in abject denial…when a man likes a girl, he often thinks about getting a blowjob. Especially if it hasn’t happened yet by the third date.

Now, to be clear, and this is important to clarify: I am not EXPECTING a blowjob tonight.

Nor will I be disappointed if I don’t get one.

But it has gone through my head that the POSSIBILITY may exist. And so it would behoove me to be prepared for this possibility. That’s where our story starts.

So I shower. I scrub extra well. Because I’m polite like that. I understand that if a woman’s going down on me I don’t want to smell like a sewer. I want it to be a pleasant experience. I still haven’t figured out the mechanics of dusting my undercarriage with honey so that I taste pleasant as well, for the time being it’s the best I can do. But I’m pleased. I’ve done my duty. Barring any excessive sweating, more than likely, my junk will be inoffensive to her refined olfactory senses.

And then comes the dilemma, about an hour later…

I have to crap.

Dammit.

Now, I’ve got several choices available to me:

1) I take a shit. Wipe. Be done with it. And take my chances should she want my dick in her mouth.

2) I take a shit. Wipe. Shower. Scrub my asshole again. Dry off. Get dressed and be on my way, once again, so fresh and so clean.

3) I hold it and hope it goes away.

This is a very sketchy dilemma.

It should bear noting that this neurosis only exists because 1) I don’t want to kill any chances of seeing her again SHOULD she blow me, 2) we haven’t gotten to that point of security where I can go for several days without showering and not think about it should she want to blow me, and 3) having never blown a man, I have ZERO reference point for what it really smells like down there after a man takes a shit. Given these three points, I find myself in a quandry.

Granted, there is another option I could go with, namely taking a shit, and then warn the broad later. But that just feels like it kills the spontaneity. So what to do, what to do…?

And that’s where the original post stopped. Because in the course of penning this little glimpse into the interesting carnival sideshow that is the inner workings of my mind, I flashed on the following scene…and thus hijacked my original stream of consciousness with the following…

---

FADE IN : INT : BACK OF CORWYN’S CAR

GIRL’s ringed fingers fly as she works to undo CORWYN’s belt. Belt undone, she unbuttons the pants, and yanks hard, exposing THE MIGHTY MJOLNIR to the cold winter air. THE MIGHTY MJOLNIR stands spectacular and unflagging in the night, shining like the gates of Heaven. Ships off the coast of Rhode Island are drawn like a siren, mistaking the Divine Wang as the Hammer of the legendary Thunder God in the back of a 2003 PT Cruiser in Georgia for a lighthouse.

Just then a mighty thunderclap splits the sky as MJOLNIR calls down from the Heavens divine lightning! The bolt strikes the car, enveloping it in electricity and the GIRL screams as THE MIGHTY MJOLNIR erupts with holy fire all over her face–!

CUT TO:

INT : HALLMARK STORE

CORWYN is standing in the aisle in front of a row of ‘Thank You’ cards talking to a young African American male EMPLOYEE.

CORWYN
So…yeah… Basically I’m looking for a card that says, “Sorry my Thunderdong called holy fire of the Norse gods down from the heavens and set your face on fire.” Where would those cards be…?

The Hallmark EMPLOYEE stands gawking, mouth agape. CORWYN stands expectant.

CORWYN
Nothin’, huh? Damn.

FADE OUT

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That’s right. Just to clarify…what began as a snapshot of a ludicrous dilemma shifted suddenly into racing to capture a scene in which my penis is likened to the hammer of Thor and proceeds to burn a girl’s face off with lightning. Yeah…

And for the curious, here’s an artist’s representation:

“Yeah…pretty much just like that.” ~CB

Sometimes I would wonder what’s wrong with me. Y’know, if I didn’t find it so damned amusing sometimes.

Until next time, True Believers.

“Word.”
~ 1 Corwynthians 16:23